Wash, rinse, repeat.

You know what’s annoying? I sat in my room looking for something on which to fixate my mind, but there was absolutely nothing in there that could do the trick. I keep trying to keep myself from thinking about the fact that college is practically over, and there’s nothing in this apartment that can keep my attention for over 5 minutes. I even made phone calls hoping to spur hour-long conversations, and I LOATHE talking on the phone. I made myself turn off my TV because I keep getting headaches from it. Luckily, my baby sister came and stayed with me last week, so there was little alone time to stir the impending emotions that were bound to break out. But now, I’m alone in this empty apartment, and my contemplations are getting the best of me.

Blogging is a great way for me to screw my head on straight. Many, many times I am able to realize how ridiculous I am being from this unusual and new form of expression. It’s like writing in a diary, but for everyone to see. Now, there might not be a single person who actually reads this, but I know that plenty of people are capable of doing so. So, in order to save-face, I’m definitely not going to type anything that will make me look unreasonable or silly. Thus, I see when I am being this way as I hit the delete button… many, many times.

As I slung my remote towards my empty, dingy-white wall, I realized that I needed to pick up my Bible for some support. So, like the obedient child of God that I am, I picked up my computer and immediately logged on to facebook. Twitter. TheTennessean.com. Braves highlights. Bubble Shooter 2.0. Weather forecast. Checked 'em all. Even after the tugging and grief I could feel in me, I didn’t want anything to do with God tonight. You see, I’m a little upset with Him these days. I was pretty sure that we had a deal, and I’m pretty sure He broke it. I was going to be good, and He was going to make my life easy. I was going to put myself out there and make new friends, and he assured me that they wouldn’t let me down. Okay, okay. I know if anyone broke our (nonexistent) deals it was me, but I’m only human (see previous blog entry).

“When I kept silent, my bones grew old through my groaning all the day long.
For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was turned into the drought of summer.
I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I have not hidden.
I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,’
And you will forgive the iniquity of my sin.”
Psalm 32:3-5

I can’t tell you how many times my sin has broken me. My flesh self-destructs and I’m left in pieces, expecting God to clean up the mess. And he will, in time. I can refuse him for months. He’s still going to be there when I get back. He knows my moves before I even make them (he’d make a great rook partner). He won’t force me though. Not when I’m old enough to know better.

There have been so many things that have made me doubt myself and my God this summer. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have exponentially more self-confidence now than when I came to college. Some things just tear at it though. I guess that’s the problem with having your confidence in yourself instead of in Jesus, though. Your self is flawed, sometimes unfixable.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

I know God wants to be my comfort. He doesn’t want my comfort to be in my friends, money, a job, a place to live, a town where I know people. It’s so unnatural for me to trust God in times of trouble. I can’t only trust God when I feel like it. If I do that, my insecurities would never let me trust Him. Right now, trusting him means waiting on him. There’s a fine line between waiting on God and being lazy. I’m currently straddling that line, but I’m really clumsy. I keep falling over :)

Oh the midnight hour.